PRONOUNS
When working with LGBTQ clients, they may use different pronouns than what they were assigned at birth. As a general rule of thumb, always ask what pronouns someone uses. It is no longer socially acceptable to ask "what are your preferred pronouns" as that implies that the pronouns the person uses is optional; a preference. When adjusting to new pronouns, mistakes happen. It's okay! Correct it and move on, no need to make a big deal! If you hear others using an incorrect pronoun, and you know that they have been told about the correct pronoun, feel free to say something. However, it is not okay to "out" (disclose of private information) someone else's journey. Just remember, approach a pronoun conversation from a place of respect and you're good to go!
UNDERSTANDING PRONOUNS
What is a pronoun?
A pronoun is a word that refers to either the people talking (like I or you) or someone or something that is being talked about (like she, it, them, and this). Gender pronouns (like he and hers) specifically refer to people that you are talking about.
What is a gender pronoun?
A gender pronoun is the pronoun that a person chooses to use for themself. For example: If Xena’s gender pronouns are she, her, and hers, you could say “Xena ate her food because she was hungry.”
What are some commonly used pronouns?
She, her, hers and he, him, his are common and more familiar pronouns. Some people call these “female/feminine” and “male/masculine” pronouns, but many avoid these labels because, for example, not everyone who uses he feels like a “male” or “masculine”.
There are lots of gender-neutral pronouns in use. Here are a few you might hear:
They, them, theirs (Xena ate their food because they were hungry.) This is a fairly common gender-neutral pronoun…and yes, it can in fact be used in the singular.
Ze, hir (Xena ate hir food because ze was hungry.) Ze is pronounced like “zee” and can also be spelled zie or xe and replaces she/he/they. Hir is pronounced like “here” and replaces her/hers/him/his/they/theirs.
Just say my name please! (Xena ate Xena’s food because Xena was hungry.) Some people prefer not to use pronouns at all, and would rather use their name as a pronoun instead.
Unless given permission by the individual, never refer to some as "it".
In more formal settings, instead of using the prefix Mr. or Mrs., there is the gender neutral prefix of Mx. (pronounced "mix" or "miks") that is becomming more widely used.
How do I address groups of people?
When talking to a large group of people (or clients), there are many alternatives to "ladies & gentlemen" or any other gendered greeting. Some of the more common ones are ya'll, everybody, people, friends, and folks. For example, "Okay everybody! We're about to move onto the next song!"
Why is it important to respect people’s pronouns?
You can’t always know what someone’s pronouns are by looking at them.
Asking and correctly using someone’s pronoun is one of the most basic ways to show your respect for their gender identity.
When someone is referred to with the wrong pronoun, it can make them feel disrespected, invalidated, dismissed, alienated, or dysphoric (or, often, all of the above).
It is a privilege to not have to worry about which pronoun someone is going to use for you based on how they perceive your gender. If you have this privilege, yet fail to respect someone else’s gender identity, it is not only disrespectful and hurtful, but also oppressive.
Why is it really important to respect clients’ pronouns?
Asking clients for their pronouns and consistently using them correctly can determine within the first few minutes if they will feel respected or not.
You will be setting an example for other clients and staff members. If you are consistent about using someone’s pronouns, other clients and staff members will follow your example.
Discussing and correctly using pronouns sets a tone of respect and allyship that trans, genderqueer, non-binary, and genderfluid individuals do not take for granted. It can truly make all of the difference, especially for clients that may feel particularly vulnerable, lonely, and scared.
How do I ask someone what their pronouns are?
Try asking “What are your pronouns?” or “Can you remind me which pronouns you use?” It can feel awkward at first, but it is not half as awkward as getting it wrong or making a hurtful assumption.
If you are asking a part of an introduction exercise and you want to quickly explain what a pronoun is, you could try something like this: “Tell us your name, pronouns (if you feel comfortable* and if your pronouns change at any point for any reason I hope you will let us know), and a fun fact about yourself. I’ll start. My name is Jay, I use she/her and they/them, and I used to be a certified scuba diver.”
*Including the caveat “if you feel comfortable” allows clients to choose whether or not they would like to share their pronouns. Not everyone feels comfortable sharing their pronouns in this way. Additionally, adding a fun fact, or some other piece of information, after asking someone for their pronouns is an important part of an introduction exercise because it allows the attention to be taken away from whether the individual stated their pronouns or not.
What if I make a mistake?
It’s okay! Everyone slips up from time to time. The best thing to do if you use the wrong pronoun for someone is to say something right away, like “Sorry, I meant she.” If you realize your mistake after the fact, apologize in private and move on.
A lot of time it can be tempting to go on and on about how bad you feel that you messed up or how hard it is for you to get it right, but please don’t! It is inappropriate and makes the person who was mis-gendered feel awkward and responsible for comforting you, which is absolutely not their job. It is your job to remember people’s pronouns.
If you hear others may a mistake, most of the time it is appropriate to gently remind the person of the correct pronoun to use. Follow up with the client if needed and ask them if its okay if you correct others. Always follow the cue of the client and respect their comfort levels!
Taken from:
https://lgbtq.vassar.edu/transandnon-binaryresources/gender-pronouns.html
